a ghost story.

There is a very strange sensation that comes when you’re just about to leave home… almost like you’re already gone.

But I’ve been gone for a while now…

I think I’ve been forcing myself into things that aren’t for me back there. I forced myself into relationships that were painful and tore me apart, I forced myself to work jobs that I hated… I pretended to like getting too drunk at bars and kissing strangers. In every part of my life, I was uncomfortable, I was unhappy, and I was grieving. I grew weary from reminders of painful memories on every street corner, every beach… my favorite places felt ruined, and I didn’t know how to rid myself of the ghosts, still stuck in time, repeating their beautiful days that now bring me grief.

The mechanic told me my car might not make it across the country, but I didn’t listen. I thought whatever happened, if I broke down in the desert or made it to a new city, it would be a sign for me either way. Maybe sometimes I have too much faith in the universe and signs and coincidences, because to a certain extent, you are responsible for making things happen. You have to get up and put your shoes on every day, walk out the door and decide who you are going to be. But at the same time, I’d like to think that some cosmic force or God or whatever you want to call it, looks out for you, and things align just as they were meant to. I had that same foolish, cosmic faith in my black sedan, Janice. She would carry me away from here, somewhere I would belong.

Last night I made it to my first destination: The Great Salt Lake Desert. It was one of the most horrifying landscapes I’d ever seen in my life. Nothing grows, and the ground itself is dehydrated because it’s covered in a flat, thick crusted layer of white salt. I’d seen pictures online but to witness it in person is something else. The mountains turned a lilac purple and the scalding sun was cherry red. I slept in the desert last night. I couldn’t be happier, but I couldn’t help but imagine you were here with me to experience this too. Shouldn’t there be two of us? But there isn’t… I am alone.

I’ve found it’s terrifyingly simple it is to uproot your life and start over.

Some things you think won’t ever change are gone just as quickly as they came.

I’ve found out that loving people really is just the art of letting go.

And once I realized I had forgotten the sound of my own voice, I had to go.

I had to.